Chapter 11. Hit a Nerve


Hit a Nerve

 Life was good for many years

I had no worries, stress or fears

My eighteenth birthday was such fun

I received expensive gifts from everyone

Perfume, jewellery designer suits

Manicures, Pedicures and leather boots

Leather handbags, bottles of champagne

Solid gold earrings, an expensive gold chain

 

Aunty Rita made me a birthday cake

She loved to cook, she loved to bake

She also booked me a limousine

I felt as though I was a queen

I felt like a queen minus the crown

I looked my friends up and down

I thought I was so much better than them

And that’s where my snobbery started to stem

 

I always used to have lots of money

Mock my friends, I thought it was funny

Louise, Helen and AnnMarie

Had much less than me

Louise was talking to her friend

She was upfront, she didn’t pretend

I think I might have hit a nerve

Because I overheard something I didn’t deserve”

 

“She thinks that she is gorgeous, thinks that she is pretty

She thinks that she is funny; she thinks that she is witty

She thinks she is a beauty queen

She thinks she’s God, she thinks she’s supreme

But she is nothing but a spoilt little cow

I tell you this and I tell you this now

She is nothing but a gold digger

Each day her greed gets bigger and bigger

How dare she compare me?

And how dare she compare thee

She walks around with her head stuck up her bum

Just because she has a fairly rich mum

She thinks she is better than all of us

At her I would like to scream and cuss

I hate the way she styles her hair

I hate the way she holds her nose up in the air

She is nothing but a tart

I tell you something, she had better not start

I would love to slap her face

I would love to shove her all over the place

I would love to slap her sore

She thinks she is rich and we are poor

Well poor her, I am telling you now

She is nothing but a spoilt cow

AnnMarie only pretends to like her

To lose Betty’s friendship, she would prefer

 

If Betty wasn’t my so called friend

I would get her arm and her arm I would bend

I would bend it right in half

She would cry, she wouldn’t laugh

How dare she have the nerve to mock me?

I will get her back, just wait and see

I am going to wait until late at night

And jump out on her and give her a fright

Then I am going to break her arm

I am going to cause her such harm

Then I am going to jump on her head

I’m not going to stop until she is dead

I hate the way she looks down on me

I’m going to kick her in the eye, until she can’t see

And then upon her head I will pound

I will make sure she never gets off the ground

I’m sorry girls; I know she’s meant to be our friend

But her boasting drives me around the bend

I’m sorry girls; I shouldn’t have said all that

But she is nothing but a dirty alley cat

I’m sorry girls if I sounded snotty

But her soul is so murky and grotty

Come on girls before I pretend to blub

Who is coming with me to the pub?”

 

“Well I couldn’t believe what I had just heard

How stupid, how silly, how dumb, how absurd

They were just bitches, it was plain to see

None of it was true, it was just jealousy

They were so petty and pathetic

Their jibes and cruelty just made me sick

They were just jealous because my life was perfect

So until they apologised, their friendship I would neglect

What they said had obviously hurt

How dare Louise talk about me as if I were dirt!

So I tossed my head back and walked back home

My friendship… they had just blown

 

Well of course I was very upset

How mean can anyone get?

Those things they had said about me were not true

They were just bitches through and through

At least I could turn to my mum

Make her feel sorry for me by sucking my thumb

If I fluttered my eyelashes and pretended to get upset

Many hugs and kisses I would get

 

I loved her kiss, I loved her hug

It would make me feel warm and snug

I loved the kisses my mum would give me

They weren’t like Graham’s, all sordid and seedy

So I went home and told my mum

Sat on her knee and sucked my thumb

Mum said “Don’t worry, your pain will go away”

And that Louise would be sorry one day

 

I went to go and tidy my room

Gave it a quick sweep with the broom

I went to throw a very old coat away

I looked in the pocket, Oh wow…Hey

There was my locket from long ago

Should I throw it away? I must not, oh no

So I put the locket around my neck

And it was still as itchy as heck

I swore I would never take it off my neck again

And from removing it I would refrain

Chapter 12


Chapter 10. Aunty Rita


Aunty Rita

I was always spoilt rotten

Because my young childhood was never forgotten

I was bought expensive clothes and expensive underwear

I was bought designer perfume and got extensions in my hair

Mum used to buy me all sorts of nice things

From silver jewellery, to nine carat gold rings

Dad wasn’t at home very much, he was always at work

I didn’t know what he did; I think he was an office clerk

But it was OK as I had my Aunty Rita

She used to be married to my uncle peter

Aunty Rita was my mum’s twin sister

They stuck together like a plaster to a blister

If my mum was busy Aunty Rita would be there

She was very stylish and wore things with flair

She was as mad and as flambouent as they came

Her crazy antics drove me insane

Mum and Rita looked like two peas in a pod

But Aunty Rita behaved a little odd

Not in a deranged way, she was just a little aloof

Her weird ways and habits were enough proof

Her house was immaculate, clean and tidy

She would rearrange the furniture every Friday

She would make us take our shoes off at the front door

Hated the look of shoe prints on her highly polished floor

She would wash her hands twenty times a day

She said it helped keep the germs and bugs at bay

Aunty Rita was lovely but very queer

She didn’t like people to come to near

She dreaded the thought of catching the flu

Said people harboured more germs than a public loo

Rita said germs were every where

On people’s clothes, in people’s hair

On people’s hands, in people’s ears

Yes germs were Aunty Rita’s worst fears

I remember her coming to visit, she had a black eye

“I walked into a door” she had said with a sigh

We all knew my Uncle Peter was mean and tough

But one day Aunty Rita had suffered enough

Peter was having an affair, Rita caught him playing away

And started divorce proceedings the very next day

She had a party when the divorce came through

She was parting hard; she said “Why should I be blue?”

But Aunty Rita had a bad heart

And for this she had to keep a chart

I don’t know what the chart was for

But she couldn’t go above ten or more

She wasn’t allowed any stress

She wasn’t meant to be under duress

I loved my Aunty Rita almost as much as my mum

My Aunty Rita was the best, she was my best chum

I asked Aunty Rita about my biological mum

She pulled a face that looked so glum

She said that my mum was evil and mad

And that my dad was just as bad

She said mum was a big believer in the occult

And against the authorities she would often revolt

She said my real mum believed in Witch Craft

She said all that mumbo jumbo was just daft

Rita said I was better off without my real mum

And that my real mum and dad were nothing but scum

Aunty Rita was probably right

She was always clever and bright

So I put my real mum and dad to the back of my head

As far as I was concerned they may as well be dead

Chapter 11

Chapter 9. Run Rabbit, Run Rabbit


Run Rabbit, Run Rabbit

 Anyway let me get back to my mum

She was vivacious and bubbly, she was so much fun

Mum was beautiful and had long blonde hair

Her skin so silky, soft and fair

Mum couldn’t have babies, she had problems below

And dad’s sperm count was very low

Dad was clean shaven and polite

He was tall, he reached some height

Mum and dad were kind to me

They were the kindest that they could be

They were not that particularly wealthy

But what spare money they had, they spent on me

They said that I was worth every pound

As a better daughter, they could not have found

I remember buying a pet rabbit with my pocket money

Oh how I adored my black and white bunny

I lived a few years in luxury

I was spoilt rotten, everyone could see

My life was great, my life was swell

Until they adopted another girl as well

I had to fight for all that was mine

She was a pig, she was a swine

We always fought for mum’s attention

I called her a few names that I won’t mention

I detested her, she detested me

There was always some sibling rivalry

I wasn’t starved of love or affection

Or cuddles, or kisses, or protection

That was until my adopted sister came

Then she nuzzled in on the game

I had to suddenly share my room

I hoped she would go someday soon

But she wasn’t going, she was there to stay

I had to get rid of her somehow, some way

One day I gave myself a bruise

I thought what the hell I have nothing to lose

I said that my adopted sister had done it

And that she had covered my toys in spit

But mum and dad only gave her a caution

Said I should take care with more precaution

I was so mad that my plan didn’t work

It drove me crazy, I went berserk

And one day as clear as light

I did something cruel and very tight

It was by accident I do swear

But I wasn’t bothered, I didn’t care

I trapped bunny’s foot in the door

I said she had done it by stomping on its paw

My bunny was in pain, and she was bleeding

Of some first aid, she was needing

I thought she would now leave, but mum scolded her instead

This sent me crazy, sent me off my head

I had to think of something really evil to do

I am ashamed now of what I did next, I swear it is true

I slammed the same door on my bunny’s head

I slammed it so hard, it ended up dead

I said she had done it by stomping on its head

And to its death… it had bled

Well mum and dad thought my sister was deranged

And so her departure they swiftly arranged

I was chuckling and laughing with glee

I got rid of her, yes it was me

I had mum and dad all to myself

I wasn’t being left on the shelf

Mum and dad were mine alone

Even if they weren’t my real flesh and bone

If I couldn’t have them, no one could

Loving me only, like they should

Chapter 10

Chapter 8. Holidays


Holidays 

I was thirteen years old when the abuse finally stopped

A middle aged couple came wanting to adopt

They saw me playing, looking sad and all alone

For me they felt sorry, so they took me to their home

The only thing I took away with me

Was my locket and my precious dolly

I went to live in a nice neighbourhood

They fed and clothed me, did everything they could

I had my own bedroom, I didn’t have to share

I had a telly some toys, a table and a chair

I had pens, pencils and colouring books

A full length mirror to check my looks

I had clean pillows, I had a clean quilt

I had a dolls house, which my foster dad built

I was given lots of toys and had so much fun

I loved having a new dad and mum

We went on holidays, most of the time to Devon

A caravan in Dawlish the devil’s heaven

In Dawlish, devilish rumours were going around

That people found the devil’s footprints on the ground

I loved the wild life, especially the black swans

And the Indian geese, with feathers that shone like bronze

The beach was both sand and shingle

Most people were couples, hardly anyone single

It was is wonder as Dawlish is so nice

Beautiful scenery, a lover’s paradise

Mum and dad loved The Strand

Sometimes a car boot sale, sometimes a band

Dawlish was my favourite place to go

I miss Dawlish I miss it so

I also loved weekend trips to Morecambe

So did my dad, so did my mum

I loved the slots, I loved the Pier

Treasured memories, I hold them dear

The Pleasure beach, the Crazy Mouse

The Super Dome, the brill Fun House

The town centre Chippy, was the best

Back in those days, we were full of zest

I spent my pocket money in the Grand Arcade

Sometimes I lost, sometimes I made

I would sit on the Jetty, drink cans of pop

Spend ages choosing from hundreds of pieces of rock

Shit my pants in Madam Taussauds

Play Donkey Derby, collect my rewards

The wooden Cyclone, the massive Big Wheel

The Log Flume, the Waltzers, they all made me squeal

There used to be a place called Happy Mount Park

We would go there in the morning, back to the hotel after dark

I used to love bouncing on the Trampolines

Mum would sit in the café reading magazines

Dad would sit and listen to music played by the Salvation Army

Mum didn’t like it, it would drive her barmy

But those days are gone, gone in the past

But we all had fun, we all had a blast

But most of all I loved going to Perth

It was truly, the best place on earth!

I don’t miss being dragged to Kinnoull Hill

I was always taken there against my will

That dammed hill was very high

It seemed, as if it reached the sky

I have to admit that the scenery is breath taking

Of this fact, there is no mistaking

I could see Perth City; I could see the Tay River

It was so beautiful, it made me shiver

I used to watch the cattle in the fields below grazing

The scenery was both scary and amazing

I used to love Perth’s most famous pies

They were the best, I tell you no lies

Into my mouth, I would pop one in

I loved the way the grease ran down my chin

I didn’t eat one; I would eat three or four

But I always felt, I had room for one more

Chapter 9

Chapter 7. Dirty Secret


Dirty Secret

The next five years were almost the same

Until Mr Graham started to play his game

His game seemed strange and he told me not to tell

He told this to some of the other girls as well

The things he did, still affect me to this day

Those terrible memories will never go away

He used to play hide and seek

And at his bits I had to peek

Not only did I have to look, I had to touch as well

He said it was our secret and I must never tell

He said that he loved me and that I was his first

And if I didn’t do as I was told, he just swore and cursed

He always shut the door so no one could see

Then he started to sexually abuse me

He used to lock the door with a key

Then undress me and bounce me on his knee

I never made a sound, never said a word

The whole situation was really absurd

He also used to buy my silence with sweets and money

He said even if I told, no-one would believe me

He said that if I told anyone, I would never leave that place

The bad fairies would get me and I would vanish without trace

I used to have trouble sleeping at night

I would lay there curled up in a ball so tight

Every night Graham would return

Showing no remorse showing no concern

We used to lay there touching each other

I knew it was wrong, I wanted my mother

No one to turn to, no one to tell

The abuse was making me unwell

In my dreams the beast would appear

And when I woke, he would disappear

I always thought he would keep abusing me

Carry on for eternity

Chapter 8