Chapter 11. Hit a Nerve

Hit a Nerve

 Life was good for many years

I had no worries, stress or fears

My eighteenth birthday was such fun

I received expensive gifts from everyone

Perfume, jewellery designer suits

Manicures, Pedicures and leather boots

Leather handbags, bottles of champagne

Solid gold earrings, an expensive gold chain

 

Aunty Rita made me a birthday cake

She loved to cook, she loved to bake

She also booked me a limousine

I felt as though I was a queen

I felt like a queen minus the crown

I looked my friends up and down

I thought I was so much better than them

And that’s where my snobbery started to stem

 

I always used to have lots of money

Mock my friends, I thought it was funny

Louise, Helen and AnnMarie

Had much less than me

Louise was talking to her friend

She was upfront, she didn’t pretend

I think I might have hit a nerve

Because I overheard something I didn’t deserve”

 

“She thinks that she is gorgeous, thinks that she is pretty

She thinks that she is funny; she thinks that she is witty

She thinks she is a beauty queen

She thinks she’s God, she thinks she’s supreme

But she is nothing but a spoilt little cow

I tell you this and I tell you this now

She is nothing but a gold digger

Each day her greed gets bigger and bigger

How dare she compare me?

And how dare she compare thee

She walks around with her head stuck up her bum

Just because she has a fairly rich mum

She thinks she is better than all of us

At her I would like to scream and cuss

I hate the way she styles her hair

I hate the way she holds her nose up in the air

She is nothing but a tart

I tell you something, she had better not start

I would love to slap her face

I would love to shove her all over the place

I would love to slap her sore

She thinks she is rich and we are poor

Well poor her, I am telling you now

She is nothing but a spoilt cow

AnnMarie only pretends to like her

To lose Betty’s friendship, she would prefer

 

If Betty wasn’t my so called friend

I would get her arm and her arm I would bend

I would bend it right in half

She would cry, she wouldn’t laugh

How dare she have the nerve to mock me?

I will get her back, just wait and see

I am going to wait until late at night

And jump out on her and give her a fright

Then I am going to break her arm

I am going to cause her such harm

Then I am going to jump on her head

I’m not going to stop until she is dead

I hate the way she looks down on me

I’m going to kick her in the eye, until she can’t see

And then upon her head I will pound

I will make sure she never gets off the ground

I’m sorry girls; I know she’s meant to be our friend

But her boasting drives me around the bend

I’m sorry girls; I shouldn’t have said all that

But she is nothing but a dirty alley cat

I’m sorry girls if I sounded snotty

But her soul is so murky and grotty

Come on girls before I pretend to blub

Who is coming with me to the pub?”

 

“Well I couldn’t believe what I had just heard

How stupid, how silly, how dumb, how absurd

They were just bitches, it was plain to see

None of it was true, it was just jealousy

They were so petty and pathetic

Their jibes and cruelty just made me sick

They were just jealous because my life was perfect

So until they apologised, their friendship I would neglect

What they said had obviously hurt

How dare Louise talk about me as if I were dirt!

So I tossed my head back and walked back home

My friendship… they had just blown

 

Well of course I was very upset

How mean can anyone get?

Those things they had said about me were not true

They were just bitches through and through

At least I could turn to my mum

Make her feel sorry for me by sucking my thumb

If I fluttered my eyelashes and pretended to get upset

Many hugs and kisses I would get

 

I loved her kiss, I loved her hug

It would make me feel warm and snug

I loved the kisses my mum would give me

They weren’t like Graham’s, all sordid and seedy

So I went home and told my mum

Sat on her knee and sucked my thumb

Mum said “Don’t worry, your pain will go away”

And that Louise would be sorry one day

 

I went to go and tidy my room

Gave it a quick sweep with the broom

I went to throw a very old coat away

I looked in the pocket, Oh wow…Hey

There was my locket from long ago

Should I throw it away? I must not, oh no

So I put the locket around my neck

And it was still as itchy as heck

I swore I would never take it off my neck again

And from removing it I would refrain

Chapter 12

Chapter 9. Run Rabbit, Run Rabbit

Run Rabbit, Run Rabbit

 Anyway let me get back to my mum

She was vivacious and bubbly, she was so much fun

Mum was beautiful and had long blonde hair

Her skin so silky, soft and fair

Mum couldn’t have babies, she had problems below

And dad’s sperm count was very low

Dad was clean shaven and polite

He was tall, he reached some height

Mum and dad were kind to me

They were the kindest that they could be

They were not that particularly wealthy

But what spare money they had, they spent on me

They said that I was worth every pound

As a better daughter, they could not have found

I remember buying a pet rabbit with my pocket money

Oh how I adored my black and white bunny

I lived a few years in luxury

I was spoilt rotten, everyone could see

My life was great, my life was swell

Until they adopted another girl as well

I had to fight for all that was mine

She was a pig, she was a swine

We always fought for mum’s attention

I called her a few names that I won’t mention

I detested her, she detested me

There was always some sibling rivalry

I wasn’t starved of love or affection

Or cuddles, or kisses, or protection

That was until my adopted sister came

Then she nuzzled in on the game

I had to suddenly share my room

I hoped she would go someday soon

But she wasn’t going, she was there to stay

I had to get rid of her somehow, some way

One day I gave myself a bruise

I thought what the hell I have nothing to lose

I said that my adopted sister had done it

And that she had covered my toys in spit

But mum and dad only gave her a caution

Said I should take care with more precaution

I was so mad that my plan didn’t work

It drove me crazy, I went berserk

And one day as clear as light

I did something cruel and very tight

It was by accident I do swear

But I wasn’t bothered, I didn’t care

I trapped bunny’s foot in the door

I said she had done it by stomping on its paw

My bunny was in pain, and she was bleeding

Of some first aid, she was needing

I thought she would now leave, but mum scolded her instead

This sent me crazy, sent me off my head

I had to think of something really evil to do

I am ashamed now of what I did next, I swear it is true

I slammed the same door on my bunny’s head

I slammed it so hard, it ended up dead

I said she had done it by stomping on its head

And to its death… it had bled

Well mum and dad thought my sister was deranged

And so her departure they swiftly arranged

I was chuckling and laughing with glee

I got rid of her, yes it was me

I had mum and dad all to myself

I wasn’t being left on the shelf

Mum and dad were mine alone

Even if they weren’t my real flesh and bone

If I couldn’t have them, no one could

Loving me only, like they should

Chapter 10

Chapter 8. Holidays

Holidays 

I was thirteen years old when the abuse finally stopped

A middle aged couple came wanting to adopt

They saw me playing, looking sad and all alone

For me they felt sorry, so they took me to their home

The only thing I took away with me

Was my locket and my precious dolly

I went to live in a nice neighbourhood

They fed and clothed me, did everything they could

I had my own bedroom, I didn’t have to share

I had a telly some toys, a table and a chair

I had pens, pencils and colouring books

A full length mirror to check my looks

I had clean pillows, I had a clean quilt

I had a dolls house, which my foster dad built

I was given lots of toys and had so much fun

I loved having a new dad and mum

We went on holidays, most of the time to Devon

A caravan in Dawlish the devil’s heaven

In Dawlish, devilish rumours were going around

That people found the devil’s footprints on the ground

I loved the wild life, especially the black swans

And the Indian geese, with feathers that shone like bronze

The beach was both sand and shingle

Most people were couples, hardly anyone single

It was is wonder as Dawlish is so nice

Beautiful scenery, a lover’s paradise

Mum and dad loved The Strand

Sometimes a car boot sale, sometimes a band

Dawlish was my favourite place to go

I miss Dawlish I miss it so

I also loved weekend trips to Morecambe

So did my dad, so did my mum

I loved the slots, I loved the Pier

Treasured memories, I hold them dear

The Pleasure beach, the Crazy Mouse

The Super Dome, the brill Fun House

The town centre Chippy, was the best

Back in those days, we were full of zest

I spent my pocket money in the Grand Arcade

Sometimes I lost, sometimes I made

I would sit on the Jetty, drink cans of pop

Spend ages choosing from hundreds of pieces of rock

Shit my pants in Madam Taussauds

Play Donkey Derby, collect my rewards

The wooden Cyclone, the massive Big Wheel

The Log Flume, the Waltzers, they all made me squeal

There used to be a place called Happy Mount Park

We would go there in the morning, back to the hotel after dark

I used to love bouncing on the Trampolines

Mum would sit in the café reading magazines

Dad would sit and listen to music played by the Salvation Army

Mum didn’t like it, it would drive her barmy

But those days are gone, gone in the past

But we all had fun, we all had a blast

But most of all I loved going to Perth

It was truly, the best place on earth!

I don’t miss being dragged to Kinnoull Hill

I was always taken there against my will

That dammed hill was very high

It seemed, as if it reached the sky

I have to admit that the scenery is breath taking

Of this fact, there is no mistaking

I could see Perth City; I could see the Tay River

It was so beautiful, it made me shiver

I used to watch the cattle in the fields below grazing

The scenery was both scary and amazing

I used to love Perth’s most famous pies

They were the best, I tell you no lies

Into my mouth, I would pop one in

I loved the way the grease ran down my chin

I didn’t eat one; I would eat three or four

But I always felt, I had room for one more

Chapter 9

Chapter 4. The Gift.

The Gift

“I was the only child to a single mum

My father disappeared, he went on the run

He got involved in dealing drugs

He owed lots of money to some seedy thugs

My mother was an ex-convict

My mother was also a drug addict

I remember my childhood like it was yesterday

My mum’s teeth were rotten, they were black and grey

She always had a syringe stuck in her arm

Track marks and scars from self-harm

She often left me on my own, took ages to return

About her young daughter, she showed little concern

Her nose was always red and runny

She ate very little, lost weight of her tummy

Her pupils always looked like piss holes in the snow

She always looked depressed, always looked low

She was always sick and sweating

To take good care of me, she was always forgetting

Towards me she had a shitty attitude

Always screaming at me, always in a mood

She took me shopping, from each shop we would drift

Whilst I watched from my buggy, watching my mum shop lift

Stealing clothes, perfume and jewellery

Not stealing food, so that she could feed me

She was always thinking about herself

Never me or my health

I often cried with hunger pain

All my mum was concerned about though, was cocaine

My mum practised voodoo, believed in the occult

When spells went wrong, it was always my fault

She had spells for this, and spells for that

She even bought herself a big black cat

In her bedroom, she had an altar covered in candles and flowers

She believed that the candles held magical powers

She would light the candles and go into a trance

Sway backwards and forwards like she was doing a slow dance

Her alter was covered in old grey bones

Covered in twigs and funny looking stones

She believed in vengeance instead of turning the other cheek

Said kindness and forgiveness, were only for the meek

She said God only existed in a fool’s mind

You get no thanks in this world for being good and kind

I remember on my eighth birthday

Social services took me away

They took me away and my mum didn’t care

They put me in a children’s home in the middle of no-where

But before I left… my mum went in her pocket

And around my neck she put a locket

The locket wasn’t made from silver or gold

It was made of bone and looked very old

It hung from a rope, the rope was grey

Around the edges, it had started to fray

It wasn’t sparkly, it wasn’t bling

Meant for a pauper and not for a king

But it had been the only gift that she had given me

I think it was her way of an apology?

My mum said that I must keep it

Or I will have bad luck bit by bit

She said the locket was real and not imitation

Whoever wronged me would be condemned to damnation

She said I must never let it out of my sight

Not in the day and not in the night

She said the locket had been made by a witch

But the rope from which it hung made my neck itch

So I took the funny looking locket

Off my neck and put it in my pocket

Chapter 5

Chapter 3. Lend Me You Ear.

Lend Me Your Ear

Here is my story that I’m going to tell you

And you will know when I have finished, every word is true

I will tell you right from the start

Why my life gave me a hardened heart

I have to tell you, I have to tell someone

About the battles I have lost and the battles I have won

Forgive me Paul but you have a kind face

My emotions are all over the place

The reason why I have turned to you

Is I have heard your heart is pure and true

I have heard you are kind and understanding

Dave’s comments about you are quiet outstanding!

He said that you are nice and kind

And a better friend he would not find

Dave said that your heart is pure

And that you donate your money to the poor

Your friend said that you help those that are in need

He said that you are a good man indeed

He said you are kind and humane

Every sentence he utters, he mentions your name

I heard that you walk this way

Almost every single day

I have been coming here every day for a week

Because your ear, I wanted to seek

I thought that because you were so kind

That you would listen to my story and that you wouldn’t mind

Wouldn’t mind listening and lending me your ear

And that is why I am waiting here

So I’ve waited here for you to show

I want you to hear, I want you to know

I am going to tell you my life story

But be warned it’s a little gory”

So I sit here and listen and stare at her in awe

What she is telling me, I have never heard the likes before

Chapter 4